Literally Screwed
by gardapati
Summary: Alternatively, a collection of hilariously bad pornos you'd think was deliberately taken from obscure teen-porn movies. Will be taking requests. 1: Eri/Nozomi — Eri attempts to get to second base and ends up finding out just how ridiculously humiliating sex can be.


**Notes**: [1] Another multi-chapter fic from me... this time a one-shot compilation thingy. Err. _Lemony _one-shot compilation thingy.

[2] Requested by an anon. I get really nervous when it comes to writing NozoEri because I… afraid I might not be able to do them justice. They're too sexy for me to write. So! Have this little drabble of Nozomi and Eri having a depressingly bad sex.

* * *

"So," Eri speaks up in attempt to break the ice, sitting on the other side of the bed and fixes her gaze onto the wall like it's one of the world's seven wonders, and she can feel a pseudo-tremor from the other side of the bed where Nozomi is sitting at, with her back to her, and as just as obsessed at the wall, "you know," Eri slips in a cough that sounds more like a desperate plea for help, "now what?"

Nozomi yelps either out of surprise or terror. Or both. Eri bites her tongue to suppress her laughter while gripping the bed sheet tightly. It's certainly a thing to note just how crumpled her side of the bed already even though they have yet to hump each other. "Um!" Nozomi squeaks out a reply, "um, maybe, er," the shaking on the bed rises up in Richter scale and Eri just _has to _turn her head to face the other girl, "it's all up to you, Ericchi…"

Eri gulps and her fist clenches tighter and she thinks at this rate her side of sheet will be crumpled _and _bloody. She watches how Nozomi fidgets under the pressuring awkwardness while pulling her feet to her chest, hugging them tightly, looking smaller than ever and so, _so, _adorably _irresistible_. Eri flinches at her cheesy description of the whole thing and silently thanks God for inner monologue.

"So, uhh,"

"Y-Yes?"

"When are we going to get to the juicy parts,"

"Ericchi!"

…and Eri actually shuts her mouth this time for good. With the mood pretty much had thrown out the window, there's nothing else she can do, really. Unfortunately, she stillcraves to get some. After all, even with all the things considered and her rather sharpened self-restraint skill, she has her own Achilles Heel – which is her 'healthy adolescent sex drive'.

Plus. Moving in with Nozomi ever since the start of the college has been a long and arduous path of taming her carnal desires. And. And Nozomi's habit of wearing those cute, pink, frilly and not to mention – kind of… body-fitting aprons when she's cooking up dinners brought her some dirty (but still enjoyable!) fantasies on more than one occasion.

So. Eri stands up abruptly and Nozomi lets out her umpteenth yelp (Nozomi's been so jumpy nowadays and the fact irks Eri by a little bit for making her feeling like a middle-aged train molester). Then she makes her way onto the other side of the bed and stops just in front of Nozomi, who's still curled into a fetal position.

"Ericchi?"

Eri takes two or three steps back.

"Um… Ericchi?"

Without further ado, Eri leaps onto Nozomi to tackle the girl to the bed and gets herself on the top and maybe, just maybe, they can start the lovemaking session already, but no, since God decides that their first time will be a _phenomenally _bad one, Nozomi manages to side-step her way to the left, which results in Eri sailing past over her and lies face-first on the mattress.

"Ericchi, were you trying to kill me?" Nozomi says in a tone that sounds so serious it's not even funny.

"_No,_" Eri replies while pushing her face away from the mattress and gets into a sitting position, "that wasn't supposed to happen! God!"

"Maybe we should take on the calmer and less adrenaline involving way around this,"

Eri half-snaps, half-disappointed at herself for nearly snapping at Nozomi, "And ends up sitting facing away from each other throughout the night until it's 6 AM?!"

Nozomi shrugs this time. "It saves you from further embarrassment."

"No. _No_. You grope people all the time but when it comes down to the actual sex you turned into a bumbling little raccoon," Eri notices how the volume of her voice is halfway into furious shouting and quickly lowers her voice into a hissing whisper, "and you haven't groped me even once," she leans in closer to Nozomi while the latter shrinks into smaller size if that is even possible.

"They're too big," Nozomi lowers her gaze to her fidgeting palms.

"Nozomi!"

Silence settles in. An awkward one at that. And Eri actually feels bad about it, thinking that she probably scared the girl away. It wasn't supposed to be like this! The fluffy first time she dreamed of frequently! Or the smoking hot ones where Nozomi tops her badly and she's somehow got herself chained to the bed and stripped off anything remotely considered clothing. She's fine with either.

Nozomi breaks the tense atmosphere by rummaging through the things under the bed and pulls out a board of Othello.

"_Do you want to sleep with me or not_," Eri seethes, and this time there's a visible blazing tongue of fire behind her. It is symbolic to her being ran out of her patience and her still not getting any even though it's past 11 PM.

"I-I, want to, but," Nozomi's voice tapers off into a mumble and Eri resists the urge to plant her face on the mattress once more, but then again she probably has kissed more bed than Nozomi for the past hours or so, "I can't do this. But I want to. I really do, Ericchi."

"Why so?"

"I don't know. That might have something to do with the fact that we're both females. And are in love with each other."

Eri sighs as she grabs the Othello, sitting on the bed in all its cockblocking glory and so, _so _looking out of place, and shoves it under the bed once again. She's kind of glad that Nozomi's hesitation to quick, ravenous humping isn't out of lack of desire, and in all honesty, Nozomi… kind of… wants her too. At least it's mutual, and consensual, and that's nice. "Alright, so what should we do now?"

"Umm, sex?"

"Sure. Want me to get my Campbell for references on how female-on-female mating works?" Eri follows her words with a chuckle and Nozomi returns her with one of her own. Sure, they messed up big time, and their first time will be one memory they will look back upon in disgust, but she digresses. She finalizes her decision of just sucking it up and leans in even closer to the other girl, as her hands start working their way on the buttons of Nozomi's pajama…

* * *

**Notes**: [3] This is probably the unsexiest thing I've ever written in my whole life.

[4] Next up is a request from **lineonthecanvas**, a Honoka/Maki. (And it'll haveporn too!) Please look forward to it.


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